[ Matthew really doesn't know what he's doing and doesn't know what to expect, but this catches him way off guard. ]
Oh, [ he breathes in surprise, looking past Noah at the room. ] Renovated.
[ That's how Ronan had described the house to him, on the first day.
Renovated means that Noah's old room, the second place they kissed, the place where they spent so many hours talking and cuddling and imagining pictures in the ceiling-- it's all gone.
But now there's this big bright new space.
He needs a second to take it in, the fingers of his free hand gently touching the door frame. (He doesn't even see Nacho yet.) Finally-- ]
My room really is the only one that's the same.
[ And that's... totally not a metaphor for anything. ]
[Noah realizes how that must seem to him, and shakes his head. He steps back and to the side, opening up a straighter shot of the room behind him.] Ronan didn't want to live somewhere the other him had made, not after he heard about everything.
[The other room - the little nook - was special, to Noah as well as Matthew, but it was still a reminder. He'd laid in it all of December, all of January, waiting for the misery to stop, to just send him back home.]
Your room, and your car... It was all we had left of you. Neither of us wanted them gone.
[ Matthew comes into the room slowly, still taking it in. He doesn't question the mention of the "other Ronan", though he would have been confused by that wording not too long ago. Things are different now.
A lot of things.
He looks at Noah, feeling a pull in his heart. ]
I'm-- I'll try not to leave again, [ And very faintly blushes, because it's not like that's something he can even promise. But he wants badly to stay, with Noah, even if they aren't dating anymore, and with Ronan--who knows Matthew is his dream, who loves him and is proud of him. ]
[Noah smiles. His hands fiddle with the ends of his shirt.]
I'd like that. If you didn't leave, I mean.
[He's about to comment on room, when Nacho seems to notice that there's a new guest, and lets out a sharp, excited yap. His nails scrabble on the hardwood as he rambles over, and Noah kneels down to greet him.]
Hey, buddy. [He reaches out to pat the dog's back as he scoots past, headed right to wag at Matthew's feet.] Matthew, meet Nacho.
[ Me too, Matthew thinks, but he doesn't have time to say it, because then the great and wonderful Nacho inserts himself into the scene. Matthew drops into a crouch, catching the little chihuahua with both hands--not to pick him up or anything, just to scrub happily at his tiny ears. ]
You named your dog Nacho?
[ That's-- that's such a Noah thing. He can't help but laugh. ]
[ Matthew obligingly presents his palm for sloppy pup kisses, and considers this story. ]
You really are what you eat, [ he tells the dog, trying to be serious, but he can't help smiling. And then, looking back up at Noah-- ]
He's great. He's-- he's perfect for you.
[ The second he says the words he has to look down again. Somehow they hurt, and he doesn't quite know why. He tries so hard not to touch that wide empty space that got left behind when Noah broke up with him, but now he's brushed it by accident. ]
[The realization isn't missed. Noah freezes, back to the closed door, eyes trained on the rug.]
... I'm really sorry.
[His voice is small and quiet. He's aware that nothing he says could be enough, but he knows he can't keep biding time and slipping past without trying.]
[ Matthew takes a breath and lifts his gaze back up to Noah, his blue eyes vulnerable and free of pretense. ]
I know. [ Of course Noah wouldn't want that. But it hurts anyway. Matthew tries very hard to steer his thoughts away from what he's lost, but some nights he catches himself wondering how it's even possible, that they could have been so happy then and now Noah doesn't want him-- them anymore. ]
I didn't want to leave.
[ He's said as much before. What he really means is that he wanted more, a part of him still wants more, than a few months of being Noah's boyfriend, but he can't say those words out loud. ]
[He crosses his arms over his chest, like he's trying to shield himself from something. From vulnerability, maybe. From Matthew's thoughts. From admitting to himself that he made the wrong call, and hurt someone he cares about so deeply.]
Matthew... [His name still feels sacred on Noah's tongue.] You're amazing, and I loved every single second we were together, it was awesome. But I'm not... good for you anymore. I'm not right.
[He doesn't know quite how to explain it delicately enough. Matthew's still sixteen and perfect, and Noah, the boy who was seventeen for far too long, isn't anymore. He's almost twenty. He's trying (struggling) to come into adulthood, and while he doesn't feel any older than Matthew, he knows it's not right. Matthew's a teenager. A sunny dream. And underneath the glitter and candy, Noah's just a tangle of bad memories and vices. Unzip the mask and he'll swallow you up.]
[ Matthew closes his eyes and sighs with contentment at Noah's first words; the memories for him are still so close, so tender. He can still feel exactly what it was like, when Noah told him he didn't need to kiss anyone else anymore, when they held hands and curled up together and called each other babe like real people who were in love.
It was awesome, every single second. But now...
Noah's said as much before, that he didn't think he was good for Matthew. I'm dead. I'm depressing. I drink. I smoke pot. Matthew didn't care; none of those things stopped him from falling in love or being loved back. So there must be something more to it now.
He opens his eyes again. ]
You grew up, [ he ventures, quietly, looking down at his own hands. Nacho enthusiastically licks his fingers, oblivious to the mood in the room. ] And I'm still the same.
You're an awesome person. Not growing up doesn't make you less. It doesn't mean that you're not enough of something for me.
[He moves just a fraction closer, feet hardly seeming to flicker against the rug. Parts of him aren't entirely solid right now, faded out with tension.]
I just... I got too old. That's not on anyone, it just happened.
[ Matthew looks up again, and seeing Noah fading against the carpet causes him to immediately draw away from Nacho, to get back to his feet. ]
Noah... Don't. Don't be sad. It's okay. I understand. [ Some of it, and he's trying hard to understand the rest. Hesitantly, he reaches out, placing a hand on Noah's arm, gently trying to hold him in the real world. ]
Sometimes things just happen. I wanted-- I wanted to grow up with you. But that's not how it went.
[ He gives Noah's arm a light squeeze, though not on purpose. ]
Is it okay... if I still love you? [ Can they still be friends, even if Matthew hasn't changed? Even if his feelings haven't gone away? He desperately hopes so, more than anything right now, but Noah has to be the one to decide that too. ]
[Matthew's hand does it's job, grounding him back into solidity. His eyes blink, still shaded with guilt, but also wet with relief and hope.
He understands. Matthew understands. He's sad, and that was always going to be the case, but they haven't lost each other.]
Yes.
[Noah nods, barely even pausing to think about it. Anything Matthew wants, anything he's comfortable with. He's made both of and for love - how could anyone ask him to change?]
[ Matthew drops his head forward in relief, and when he lifts it again, there's a small but warm smile on his face. ]
It'd only make me sad if you didn't want me to anymore.
[ He honestly has no idea what he would have done if Noah'd said no. Now that Matthew loves him, he doesn't think he can turn it off again. He thought at first it might happen on its own, that his love would fade until his and Noah's feelings lined up naturally again, but that's not how it's going. And now he's glad; he's not sure he's quite ready to let go of this change in himself that made him more than what he used to be. ]
I don't want to pretend it never happened, or-- or anything like that. If it's okay. [ His heart is still so full. No matter what happens from now on, Noah gave him that. ] I think us dating was sort of a miracle. [ Wait, does that sound silly? He shakes his head, and continues with characteristic Matthew Lynch earnestness. ] I just have to-- figure out how it all works now.
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no subject
Oh, [ he breathes in surprise, looking past Noah at the room. ] Renovated.
[ That's how Ronan had described the house to him, on the first day.
Renovated means that Noah's old room, the second place they kissed, the place where they spent so many hours talking and cuddling and imagining pictures in the ceiling-- it's all gone.
But now there's this big bright new space.
He needs a second to take it in, the fingers of his free hand gently touching the door frame. (He doesn't even see Nacho yet.) Finally-- ]
My room really is the only one that's the same.
[ And that's... totally not a metaphor for anything. ]
no subject
[The other room - the little nook - was special, to Noah as well as Matthew, but it was still a reminder. He'd laid in it all of December, all of January, waiting for the misery to stop, to just send him back home.]
Your room, and your car... It was all we had left of you. Neither of us wanted them gone.
no subject
A lot of things.
He looks at Noah, feeling a pull in his heart. ]
I'm-- I'll try not to leave again, [ And very faintly blushes, because it's not like that's something he can even promise. But he wants badly to stay, with Noah, even if they aren't dating anymore, and with Ronan--who knows Matthew is his dream, who loves him and is proud of him. ]
I like it. How your room is now. It's cool.
[ It's okay... that it's different. ]
no subject
I'd like that. If you didn't leave, I mean.
[He's about to comment on room, when Nacho seems to notice that there's a new guest, and lets out a sharp, excited yap. His nails scrabble on the hardwood as he rambles over, and Noah kneels down to greet him.]
Hey, buddy. [He reaches out to pat the dog's back as he scoots past, headed right to wag at Matthew's feet.] Matthew, meet Nacho.
no subject
You named your dog Nacho?
[ That's-- that's such a Noah thing. He can't help but laugh. ]
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Yeah. I found him eating nachos at Taco Hell. You know, the weird Tex-Mex place with the scary sign.
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You really are what you eat, [ he tells the dog, trying to be serious, but he can't help smiling. And then, looking back up at Noah-- ]
He's great. He's-- he's perfect for you.
[ The second he says the words he has to look down again. Somehow they hurt, and he doesn't quite know why. He tries so hard not to touch that wide empty space that got left behind when Noah broke up with him, but now he's brushed it by accident. ]
no subject
... I'm really sorry.
[His voice is small and quiet. He's aware that nothing he says could be enough, but he knows he can't keep biding time and slipping past without trying.]
I didn't ever want to hurt you.
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I know. [ Of course Noah wouldn't want that. But it hurts anyway. Matthew tries very hard to steer his thoughts away from what he's lost, but some nights he catches himself wondering how it's even possible, that they could have been so happy then and now Noah doesn't want him-- them anymore. ]
I didn't want to leave.
[ He's said as much before. What he really means is that he wanted more, a part of him still wants more, than a few months of being Noah's boyfriend, but he can't say those words out loud. ]
no subject
[He crosses his arms over his chest, like he's trying to shield himself from something. From vulnerability, maybe. From Matthew's thoughts. From admitting to himself that he made the wrong call, and hurt someone he cares about so deeply.]
Matthew... [His name still feels sacred on Noah's tongue.] You're amazing, and I loved every single second we were together, it was awesome. But I'm not... good for you anymore. I'm not right.
[He doesn't know quite how to explain it delicately enough. Matthew's still sixteen and perfect, and Noah, the boy who was seventeen for far too long, isn't anymore. He's almost twenty. He's trying (struggling) to come into adulthood, and while he doesn't feel any older than Matthew, he knows it's not right. Matthew's a teenager. A sunny dream. And underneath the glitter and candy, Noah's just a tangle of bad memories and vices. Unzip the mask and he'll swallow you up.]
... It's been a long eighteen months.
no subject
It was awesome, every single second. But now...
Noah's said as much before, that he didn't think he was good for Matthew. I'm dead. I'm depressing. I drink. I smoke pot. Matthew didn't care; none of those things stopped him from falling in love or being loved back. So there must be something more to it now.
He opens his eyes again. ]
You grew up, [ he ventures, quietly, looking down at his own hands. Nacho enthusiastically licks his fingers, oblivious to the mood in the room. ] And I'm still the same.
almost sent you this from the mod account
[He moves just a fraction closer, feet hardly seeming to flicker against the rug. Parts of him aren't entirely solid right now, faded out with tension.]
I just... I got too old. That's not on anyone, it just happened.
moderator Noah, too old for this
Noah... Don't. Don't be sad. It's okay. I understand. [ Some of it, and he's trying hard to understand the rest. Hesitantly, he reaches out, placing a hand on Noah's arm, gently trying to hold him in the real world. ]
Sometimes things just happen. I wanted-- I wanted to grow up with you. But that's not how it went.
[ He gives Noah's arm a light squeeze, though not on purpose. ]
Is it okay... if I still love you? [ Can they still be friends, even if Matthew hasn't changed? Even if his feelings haven't gone away? He desperately hopes so, more than anything right now, but Noah has to be the one to decide that too. ]
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He understands. Matthew understands. He's sad, and that was always going to be the case, but they haven't lost each other.]
Yes.
[Noah nods, barely even pausing to think about it. Anything Matthew wants, anything he's comfortable with. He's made both of and for love - how could anyone ask him to change?]
As long as it doesn't make you sadder.
no subject
It'd only make me sad if you didn't want me to anymore.
[ He honestly has no idea what he would have done if Noah'd said no. Now that Matthew loves him, he doesn't think he can turn it off again. He thought at first it might happen on its own, that his love would fade until his and Noah's feelings lined up naturally again, but that's not how it's going. And now he's glad; he's not sure he's quite ready to let go of this change in himself that made him more than what he used to be. ]
I don't want to pretend it never happened, or-- or anything like that. If it's okay. [ His heart is still so full. No matter what happens from now on, Noah gave him that. ] I think us dating was sort of a miracle. [ Wait, does that sound silly? He shakes his head, and continues with characteristic Matthew Lynch earnestness. ] I just have to-- figure out how it all works now.