[ Matthew is indeed taking a lazy morning; he was so full of life and energy after Ronan brought back the fireflies that he could hardly sleep the night before. When Ronan knocks, Matthew is awake but still lying in bed with blankets tangled around his legs, his arms stretched up towards the ceiling. Three of his little daydream clouds cling to his hands and wrist, but when he looks over and sees his brother that number multiplies immediately. He sits up, gently swatting one of the new clouds away from his face, which is lit up like the sun. ]
[Ronan feels a swell of pride when he sees those little daydreams, a smile lighting his face to match his brother's. He strides over and practically tackles Matthew in a hug, mussing up his curls.]
[At least, something approximating the normal he had been before this year took a sharp downward turn. He no longer feels like the slightest breeze will scatter his atoms in every direction.]
[ Matthew closes his eyes as the words sink in. It's not as though he's forgotten that Ronan was dying, how terrifying and awful it was to see him so far gone, the ache of thinking even for a minute that it could have been the end of them both.
But that's over, Ronan is out of danger, and Matthew is not designed to let horror take hold of him for too long. ]
I almost can't believe it still, [ he says finally, breaking the silence. ] I didn't know I could do anything like that. But I'm glad, real glad. We're-- You're okay now. And I got to see what it's like in your dreams.
[Ronan doesn't want to overemphasize the danger now that it's passed, and he's glad that Matthew doesn't linger on it, either. The important thing is that Matthew did it.]
Sometimes I think I get confused. About... growing up, I guess, and what's it's gonna be like. [ Almost apologetically, he adds, ] I didn't want to say anything.
[ Because his uncertainty is tied to himself, what he is, and what he isn't. He doesn't want Ronan to get the wrong idea though, and the only reason he's saying anything now is-- ]
But when we were in your dream, I didn't feel like that anymore. I just think-- everything will be okay.
[ He doesn't know how, how to make himself more or how to fix the future. But he's not as anxious anymore. ]
[Ronan wishes he had it in him to be even a little wise. In times like this, his father always had something both clever and reassuring to say, all proverbs and poetry. Ronan's not so gifted with words. He considers what Matthew's saying in silence, trying to imagine what it must be like. For all the times Ronan has questioned his own nature, at least he understood where he came from.]
I think you're right.
[Ronan, at least, will always fight to keep Matthew safe and happy. And he's going to do whatever he can to ensure Matthew's fate isn't tied to his own.]
What was it about the dream that made you feel like that?
[ Matthew shrugs one shoulder. Despite the existential nature of the conversation, he's still relaxed and smiling. The dream clouds hovering around them are also a good indicator of his mood; distress always causes his daydreams to vanish. ]
Hmm, I don't know. I mean, I do know; it's just hard to explain. [ But he'll try his best. ] It felt like being home without even trying. [ He laughs lightly and tucks one arm under his head. ] Does that even make sense?
[ Sometimes Matthew gets a little tired of the word "safe", sometimes it feels like a low ceiling that keeps him from standing as tall as he hopes to be able.
And then there are moments like this, resetting his entire relationship with the word: Ronan combing his fingers through Matthew's hair, a whole nightmare put behind them. Matthew feels warm, untouchable, safe without limitation. ]
Yes, I want to! [ he laughs excitedly, delighted by the offer. ] I would've asked if you didn't say anything.
It'll probably be a little different next time we go. And I wanna make sure it's still okay in there without Adam and Magnus around. There's a lot about me that's different now, not just the thing that was happening before.
[ Matthew's quite pleased that Ronan knew he would want to go back into his dream, if he could. ]
Okay! [ he agrees quickly, ready to comply with whatever all the rules are. ] We'll do it whatever way you think is the best. I don't mind waiting. [ He thinks for a moment. ] The other things that are different... Is it stuff you can tell me?
[Ronan considers that for a moment while he continues to comb his fingers through Matthew's hair.]
It's not about whether I can. I just don't really know how to say it.
[As usual.]
I've changed a little. What I can do, I mean. But I've been too messed up to figure out how, exactly, so it's mostly just... this feeling. Like I've done something before I actually do it. Or like I'm everywhere, but I'm not. Obviously. I thought that feeling was because I was coming apart, but I'm not anymore, and I'm still feeling it.
[ Matthew could spend the rest of the day like this if his brother wanted. He listens patiently as Ronan tries to explain, though it doesn't make much sense to him. ]
It sounds like a lot, [ he agrees when Ronan finishes. But he's not going to leave it at that, because he really does want to try to understand. He just has to go over the explanation a few times, put it through a Matthew filter. ] So it's like... There's more going on with you than you knew before, and now you've got to figure out what to do with it?
[ Is that right? Haha wait, that's kind of how Matthew feels. ]
[ Matthew's so pleased he simply beams for two whole seconds without words, letting the happiness inside of himself do its thing. Another fluff cloud poofs into existence. ]
Ronan. I'm so happy it was me. I mean, that I can do something like that. I knew my power was nice, but--
[ He's getting off track. ]
Anyway. [ He laughs. ] I'm here. For you. While you figure everything out. I know you can do it.
[It's a nice cycle. The happier Matthew gets, the happier Ronan gets, the happier Matthew gets... He had not thought Matthew would save him, but in retrospect, of course Matthew would save him. What else could so effectively chase away his inner darkness?]
[Ronan high-fives him, grinning. There's more to it than that, but emotion is a difficult thing to wrangle into words, so it takes Ronan a moment to continue.]
You know you do a lot for me, right? Not just magically saving my ass, I mean. I feel better about everything, every time I see you. The world's better with you in it.
[ Ronan's words make Matthew so happy, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He wants to jump up and run, to lay here and sigh, to turn into a cloud and float towards the sun. His joy circuits are thoroughly overloaded.
He goes for something closer to the first option, springing up into a seated position and attempting to drag Ronan up as well, the laughter bubbling out of him now. ]
Ronan, you too. The world's better with you in it.
[ Matthew loves him so much, it doesn't feel like quite enough to say the same thing right back. So he digs deep, tries to come up with the words for what's going on in this heart Ronan dreamed into him. ]
If I could use my power on me, this is the memory I'd see. This is the best one.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Ronan!
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[Ronan feels a swell of pride when he sees those little daydreams, a smile lighting his face to match his brother's. He strides over and practically tackles Matthew in a hug, mussing up his curls.]
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Ronan! [ He doesn't realize he's repeating himself. ] I love you.
[ He didn't have a chance to say that last night after everything happened, so he says it now, as soon as possible. ]
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I love you, too. Are you feeling okay today?
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Yeah! I feel great! You too, right?
[ Ronan looks better and has more energy than he's had in weeks, but Matthew wants to be sure. ]
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[At least, something approximating the normal he had been before this year took a sharp downward turn. He no longer feels like the slightest breeze will scatter his atoms in every direction.]
I think you saved my life.
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But that's over, Ronan is out of danger, and Matthew is not designed to let horror take hold of him for too long. ]
I almost can't believe it still, [ he says finally, breaking the silence. ] I didn't know I could do anything like that. But I'm glad, real glad. We're-- You're okay now. And I got to see what it's like in your dreams.
[ He opens his eyes again. ]
Ronan, can I tell you something?
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Yeah?
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Sometimes I think I get confused. About... growing up, I guess, and what's it's gonna be like. [ Almost apologetically, he adds, ] I didn't want to say anything.
[ Because his uncertainty is tied to himself, what he is, and what he isn't. He doesn't want Ronan to get the wrong idea though, and the only reason he's saying anything now is-- ]
But when we were in your dream, I didn't feel like that anymore. I just think-- everything will be okay.
[ He doesn't know how, how to make himself more or how to fix the future. But he's not as anxious anymore. ]
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I think you're right.
[Ronan, at least, will always fight to keep Matthew safe and happy. And he's going to do whatever he can to ensure Matthew's fate isn't tied to his own.]
What was it about the dream that made you feel like that?
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Hmm, I don't know. I mean, I do know; it's just hard to explain. [ But he'll try his best. ] It felt like being home without even trying. [ He laughs lightly and tucks one arm under his head. ] Does that even make sense?
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Makes total sense.
[And he's glad. He's glad that's the dream Matthew saw, and not the barren darkness that Adam had seen before it.]
I can take you with me again sometime, if you want.
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And then there are moments like this, resetting his entire relationship with the word: Ronan combing his fingers through Matthew's hair, a whole nightmare put behind them. Matthew feels warm, untouchable, safe without limitation. ]
Yes, I want to! [ he laughs excitedly, delighted by the offer. ] I would've asked if you didn't say anything.
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[It isn't shocking.]
It'll probably be a little different next time we go. And I wanna make sure it's still okay in there without Adam and Magnus around. There's a lot about me that's different now, not just the thing that was happening before.
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Okay! [ he agrees quickly, ready to comply with whatever all the rules are. ] We'll do it whatever way you think is the best. I don't mind waiting. [ He thinks for a moment. ] The other things that are different... Is it stuff you can tell me?
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It's not about whether I can. I just don't really know how to say it.
[As usual.]
I've changed a little. What I can do, I mean. But I've been too messed up to figure out how, exactly, so it's mostly just... this feeling. Like I've done something before I actually do it. Or like I'm everywhere, but I'm not. Obviously. I thought that feeling was because I was coming apart, but I'm not anymore, and I'm still feeling it.
It's not bad. It's just a lot.
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It sounds like a lot, [ he agrees when Ronan finishes. But he's not going to leave it at that, because he really does want to try to understand. He just has to go over the explanation a few times, put it through a Matthew filter. ] So it's like... There's more going on with you than you knew before, and now you've got to figure out what to do with it?
[ Is that right? Haha wait, that's kind of how Matthew feels. ]
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[Ronan's impressed that Matthew put it so succinctly.]
That's exactly it. There's so much I couldn't see before, because I was so sick. You kind of turned on the lights for me.
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Ronan. I'm so happy it was me. I mean, that I can do something like that. I knew my power was nice, but--
[ He's getting off track. ]
Anyway. [ He laughs. ] I'm here. For you. While you figure everything out. I know you can do it.
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Thanks, bro.
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Sure thing, bro. [ He lifts his hand for a high five. ]
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You know you do a lot for me, right? Not just magically saving my ass, I mean. I feel better about everything, every time I see you. The world's better with you in it.
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He goes for something closer to the first option, springing up into a seated position and attempting to drag Ronan up as well, the laughter bubbling out of him now. ]
Ronan, you too. The world's better with you in it.
[ Matthew loves him so much, it doesn't feel like quite enough to say the same thing right back. So he digs deep, tries to come up with the words for what's going on in this heart Ronan dreamed into him. ]
If I could use my power on me, this is the memory I'd see. This is the best one.